I am a mustache.
Don't laugh, it's true!
I am a mustache, I'm telling you!
My friends, are all staches, my best a handlebar.
He's from the movies. You might know him. He's a big star.
We have a good life, here on this side of mustache creek.
You may be thinking this story's a bit weak.
Trust me, it gets better.
If you don't like it, maybe I'll write you a letter.
Now, across from mustache creek, there lives THE BEARDS.
We don't like them, because they're REALLY WEIRD.
The beards and I, the mustaches I mean,
We've had a rivalry for as long as we've been.
You see, the BEARDS are to hairy, their hair is too thick!
We don't like them at all, so we will throw at them a brick.
Those poor beards won't kno what hit them, you see.
For the leader of the assault WILL BE ME.
I'll throw at them everything I've got.
I'll put their corpses in the river to rot.
And every last one of them will be gone, my dear.
So from the beards again, you will never hear.

Now, I have a few mustache friends, like the one I said who was a star.
Our friendship will never end, and together we shall go far.
My friends has a mean streak, as you will soon see.
He can be as fast, as quick as a killer bee!
He has a very large collection of handlebar guns.
For he is a handlebar stache who was raised by handlebar nuns.
And what he did to those nuns he will never tell.
But you can certainly know that somebody's (REDACTED)

Final journal entry today, December 31st.
Today has been the absolute worst!
We had a battle today, between us and the beards.
Those beards, those beards that are so WEIRD.
We lost half our men, the lost none of theirs.
They came from the air!

I still have my gun, I'm still prepared to fight!
I will carry on into this long night.
I'll kill myself a beard, even if it's with my bare hand!
For their beardy ways, their weirdness, I cannot STAND.
Later that night, I'm the last troop now.
All of my fellow comrades have been dead, there was a bomb blast outside of town.
I don't know what to do now, but I'm still ready to kill.
Even my friend, the star, is dead. Poor Bill. Or was it Will.
I could never remember his name. He was never good at that kind of game.
Either way, I was the last one on our side in this fight.
I can hide from these beards all night!

I'VE STILL GOT MY LAST MUSTACHE HAIR.
I'LL PAY FOR A BUS, PAY FOR THAT MUSTACHE FAIR.
I MIGHT BE GOIN INSANE, I'M THINKING OF COMPLETELY WEIRD THINGS.
OH, THE JOY THAT INSANITY MUST BRING.
THOSE BEARDS WILL PUT ME INTO ONE OF THEIR CRAZY HOUSES NOW.
OH WHAT FUN IT WILL BE, I CAN SEE IT NOW.
I JUST RHYMED NOW WITH NOW. I REALLY AM INSANE.
OH MY POOR OLD BRAIN.
(laughter)
NOW THERE IS SPIT ON THIS POOR MICROPHONE.
I'M IN THEIR FUNHOUSE NOW, THE BEARDS HAVE AT LAST GOT ME.
THERE'S PADDED WALL ALL AROUND ME, I CAN SEE
THE VOICES IN MY HEAD, THEY'RE TELLING ME WE'VE LOST.
I CAN HEAR THE BOMBS, THE BLASTS..
WE'RE ALMOST OUT OF TIME NOW, YOU CAN SURELY SEE.
I'VE SUCCUMBED IN TOTAL TO THIS INSANITY.
NOW ALAS, MY DEAR LISTENER, I MUST BID THEE FAREWELL.
NOW WHERE'S MY COMPUTER, I ORDERED A DELL.

Merry April Fool's!